My editor in chief, best friend and faithful wife blesses us again with a guest post. Like many of our peers, she is finding her way across the difficult terrain of caring for aging parents. If you know Lisa, you know she does not mince words, pull punches or play games. And if she had a tattoo (which she does not), it would likely be one word — honest.
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That universally recognizable Nike, Greek goddess of victory, swoosh thing. “Just-Do-It!” Simple to speak, painful to practice. Even Paul said it in Romans, “The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it.”
So yesterday, I’m in Bed, Bath and Beyond buying a shower gift. And it’s probably fair to say that the last two or three weeks have been hard, I’m somewhat sleep deprived and easily agitated, just going through my day trying to check things off my list. Then I get a call from my parents’ caregiver. She informs me that they were not there when she arrived this morning and that she has been waiting for almost three hours for their old Camry to roll into the driveway. They finally show up, tired, dehydrated and with a car-full of items from Walmart they have nowhere to store because the closets, shelves and pantry are full of items from Walmart. They had not taken their morning meds and it was too close to midday med time to make up for the morning miss (sorry – sarcasm, which is not my best self, brings out the alliterative in me). I told her to hand the phone to daddy, and, well, it was not pretty.
Think of every colloquialism in your personal vocabulary for having a hard conversation – cleaned his clock, laid the law down, told him like it was, let him know who’s the boss, got in his grill, gave him an earful, raked him over the coals – the list is endless. His response was not contrite admission of poor judgment, but was to give it back as best he could. He is, after all, my dad, and this apple has not fallen far from that tree. His reply, however, is not the point.
On Wednesday nights, our church is hosting a class called “Strategic Resources for Aging Well.” This week’s presenter was from the Alzheimer’s Association and through her education, experience, and expertise, the audience learned a lot and received many helpful resources. I, on the other hand, came away with one acronym.
Just one.
I can’t tell you anything else she said except A.R.E. Do not Argue. Do not Reason. Do not Explain. Just hours before I had violated all three of those rules, and not with a kind tone of voice.
So, I’m calling mom and dad on the way home from church to see if they ate, are taking their night meds, cooperating with the caregiver, etc. But I’m really calling to do a relationship check with daddy. It was somewhat a relief, and altogether sad, that he did not remember much of our earlier conversation. And he certainly could not tell that now, I was bawling like a baby.
Why is it, do you think, that we really do know what God expects from us, but we don’t do it? While there are many complicated things in the Bible, most of what I know I am supposed to do is quite simple. And as Paul said, knowing is one thing, but doing is another.
Admittedly, my most recent screw-up in knowing/doing, is not the only area of growth for me. What about you? Perhaps you and the Holy Spirit are at a very good place, or maybe there are thoughts you have, practices you hide, attitudes you display, grudges you hold, arrogances you drape in insecurities, inaccurate judgements you make about others, or the tongue you struggle to tame.
I don’t have answers, but thankfully, Paul helps us out, “Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.”
So folks, with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord, let’s Just Do It.
Lisa,
That brought back memories. My dear sister in Christ, Cynthia Paul warned me that when dealing with my terminal Mom there would be times at which I would want to hasten the process. She basically said it’s ok Jesus has your back and you will forgive yourself. Tough road to hold but knowing our human self and letting Jesus carry us thru makes it bearable.
I love you guys. God will continue to bless you. You are my dear friends. Kenny Moore.
Oh Lisa,
I both smiled and teared up as I read this. I heard your dad’s voice and saw his and your mom’s face. It is very hard realizing the ones on whom we depended for so long, now depend on us to watch out for them and make sure they are as safe and healthy as possible. Daddy has some of the same issues. I needed this reminder to practice the A.R.E. principle, but mostly to practice GOD’S principles in everything. Thank you!
Living with and being one of my maternal grandmother’s caregivers for 8 years, there were often times the devil showed up in/ out of me. Being a caregiver is not easy! I’m so thankful for grace and mercy. Thankful for Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior!
Dear Lisa, I could hear your voice in this writing. You put your soul into it. Both of my parents slipped away quickly and I have felt cheated that I didn’t get to care for them but I do know that it is difficult. I love you!
Sweet Lisa – right there with you. This stuff isn’t easy, is it? Consider yourself hugged. 🙂
Lisa, thank you so much for your writing. My situation is different, but I’m having to remind myself every day of how I should be – and try to do what is needed. I want to take you to lunch in between trips to Auburn.
Love you!
Thank you so much for this lesson! We hear it so much from others, but when you(husband) are dealing with an aging parent it is not so Clear at the time!! I will re read this again! ?To You Both!
Hey Luke,
Very nice job. Mike and I feel fortunate to be friends with you and Jody.
We’ve been thru a lot of stuff too.
I’ll get you a copy of the Hospice handout that has a wonderful story at the end that talks about a ship sailing away. The great part is that there are people on the other shore that are anxious to see this ship coming in. JV
I’m not buying this she doesn’t have a tattoo! ?
Just try to love love and love them even more. I know it’s extremely hard at times. Just remember that you won’t get do overs with this stuff and yet there is no way to perfect it.
Hang in there Lisa!
I am just now having the chance to read this post and I have to laugh at God’s timing because well, God’s timing, right? . Lisa, you ask the question “Why is it, do you think, that we really do know what God expects from us, but we don’t do it? While there are many complicated things in the Bible, most of what I know I am supposed to do is quite simple. And as Paul said, knowing is one thing, but doing is another.” This morning I was confronted on something I need to submit to God, something with which I need to trust Him. I texted a friend and made the comment “I admit I might not be ready to do that yet.” We continued the last text I sent was “Sometimes I wish I were more of an Abraham or Peter type follower who, when called, got up and went. But nope, I am more of a Moses or Jacob or Paul type follower who either argues or wrestles with God or has to sit in the darkness for a while before deciding to follow.” The easier path would totally be Abraham or Peter but like you said, the doing…yeah, that’s the hard part.
Thanks for the vulnerability. Thanks for the confession. Thanks for the laugh (at myself not you). Thanks for the post, Lisa.
Thanks Lisa. I beat myself up every day for failing to do the right things. It’s good to be reminded of the things in your post, particularly our hope in Him and that it isn’t about what I do that’s good/right, but more about what He’s done.