Some years ago a church member, clutching a wad of tissues damp with angry tears, sat silently in my office. I didn’t need a body language expert to translate the tension I saw coiled up on the couch. After a few uncomfortable moments that felt more like months, she spoke: “I don’t want to leave this church. My children grew up here. They were baptized here. We had my mom’s funeral here. But I just don’t trust the elders anymore. Or you. So, we are seriously considering going elsewhere.”
For a season in my life, I certainly gave people good reasons to withdraw or withhold trust. But this visit came at a time when my walk and my words marched to the same cadence. As far as I could tell, neither I nor our elders had said or done anything to shake her confidence. So I asked, “What did we do to break your trust?”
The answer took a while to wind its way out into the open, but when it finally did, I realized that what was at stake in this situation was not a trust issue – at least not the way I understood it. What this troubled member meant was not, “I don’t trust you,” but “I don’t agree with you.” Those two may be related, but they are, at best, third cousins, twice removed.
Trust is one of the riskiest things we do in life. When we trust someone, we make ourselves vulnerable to them. We take the chance that they will not exploit, deceive or take advantage of us. We lower our emotional shields and feel safe turning our backs to them, believing that, based on their past behavior, they aren’t going to stab us in the spine when we aren’t looking.
Reading back over that last sentence, I realize that’s a pretty intense metaphor – but violated trust feels just that violent. That’s why equating disagreement with distrust is such a destructive move.
Disagreement happens when two or more people process the same information but reach different conclusions. It’s not a matter of trust or suspicion. It’s a matter of perspective or priorities. I may see things differently than you see them. My priorities may drive me to a different conclusion. I may interpret the data differently or be looking at different data altogether. But as long as we have spoken openly and truthfully with one another, trust is not on the line.
I can think of a number of people with whom I disagree completely, but just as completely trust. There are also people with whom I see eye to eye on more issues than not, but trust them the same way I trust that Craig’s List ad offering a low-mileage ’69 Plymouth Road Runner with a 426 Hemi, a four speed Hurst shifter and 18” rims that was gently driven to church on Sundays by a sweet little old lady named Eunice. Yeah. Sure.
When we equate trust with agreement, we severely limit the number of deep, meaningful relationships that are available to us. You can’t bond with people you don’t trust. And if you only trust the people you agree with, you’ll need to limit the number of convictions you hold or hold them so loosely they’re more like preferences. Otherwise, you are going to have to learn to enjoy solitude.
We not only wall ourselves off from other people, we inhibit our own spiritual, intellectual growth. Trusting only the people who agree with you buys into the same fallacy featured on all those online dating sites: I can only have a lasting relationship with someone who is just like me. Seriously? If Lisa were just like me (and in the past I tried manfully to make her so) we’d have tons of fun, but never get anything done. And we’d be broke. And bored. The reason iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17) is friction. We simply cannot get sharper, smarter or holier, more godly, faithful or humble unless we are in the trusting company of people who occasionally disagree with us. It’s pretty arrogant to think that you’re so right so often that anyone who doesn’t see things your way must be not just wrong, but unworthy of trust.
If trust equals agreement, then when you take a different position on something I think is important, I pretty much have to conclude that you have a bad heart and are, therefore, not worthy of trust. That, or you’re just dumb. Either way, I’m being dismissive or judgmental or both.
One more thing . . . you are entirely free to disagree with anything in this post.
Wow! Very hard to argue with this one. Thank you for a much needed message.
Jody,
Your comments are incredibly true. I have learned so much just from reading them today. You have wonderful insight and discernment and you communicate them very well. God bless you and Lisa!